Did You Feel Like You Lost Your Identity When You Became A Mum?
If you Google “losing identity after becoming a Mum” there are 512,000,000 results. There are countless, books, blogs and posts. And it’s from one of these blogs, that I discovered Kate, who wrote this…
“I never knew being a Mother would be so hard for you…
Hi, my name is Kate and I am 36 and I’m having a serious case of lost identity. Or maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Or a little post-partum depression. Or maybe I’m just tired, overweight and mentally drained. Who knows which one.
I have three boys, a husband, a home, and a job I love. I am beyond blessed.
I have devoted my life to the humans in my life. And again, most days, I am happy to do it. But some days, some weeks, I don’t feel that way. I feel like I have lost myself along the way.
I look in the mirror and I hardly recognise myself anymore. And as I approach middle agedness, that is really scary.
It’s not that I necessary look old. It’s that I look like someone I don’t even recognise. I look tired. I look like I’ve let myself go. I look angry. I look really rushed…
I feel like I wasted my education. I feel like a housekeeper, a cook, a chauffer, and a ring leader. I feel like I always have sick kids and I can't finish the laundry or squeeze my butt into my fat jeans. I know I’m a good mom. I don’t doubt myself in that department. But I also feel like all I am is a mom sometimes. I feel like I’m disappearing into nothing…
I used to care about how I looked. Like really care. I ate well. I exercised. I showered. I put makeup on. I’d peek at hashtags on Instagram like ‘outfits for summer’ and pin cute outfits. Now, I wear hoodies. Dirty ones. Grey t-shirts. I grab my clothes off of the floor every morning.
And the sad part is I almost don’t care. I’m too tired to care. There are so many more important things to do than look cute. Like sleep. Or get my job done. Or go to Sawyer’s baseball game. And I choose those things with happiness.
But then, I see myself, and feel sad. I feel like I’ve lost myself. Almost entirely.
I have no hobbies. I have no time to do anything. I just care for kids. For my home. I keep the ship going.
I’m nonstop busy and yet bored at the same time. It’s a bizarre way to feel.
I don’t know how to fix this funk I’m in. But I’m working on it…”
(A screenshot of the post!)
Now, this incredibly honest and open post went viral. As you can see, it had 2.9K comments and 5.6K shares. That’s 5.6K people, on a small corner of the internet, who saw something in this post that they resonated with which, honestly, does not surprise me at all. Why? Because it is one of the most common things we hear in the Boudoir studio.
Only recently I was talking to a Diva who talked about a song that came on in the radio and, with it, memories flooded back. It got her thinking… “I used to like music”, she told me. It was a huge part of her life. There was concerts and dancing with strangers and the exhilaration that came with managing to nab a high-in-demand ticket. There was a real vigour in her voice as she talked, but it was challenging for her too. Because the flip-side of telling me this was that she was also confronting the fact that not only does she not do this anymore, but that she has forgotten it was something that even particularly mattered to her.
No one here is suggesting that having children is to enter this identity-sucking vortex, but I am suggesting that the time has come for us to have an open and frank conversation about what motherhood can look and feel like. Because being the best Mum you can be and making your children feel loved and supported are always going to be a priority, but you have to be on that list too. It may be tough and you may have to even ask from help from those around you; it may even feel unbearably uncomfortable, but carving out time to do things that make you feel like YOU are essential. That’s why one of the things we’ll often do if you come for a Divas experience is to challenge you to break routine, in small or big ways - whether it be finding twenty minutes to go for a run, or something larger like going on a Girls Night one weekend.
It’s incredibly important to us that the Divas experience can offer you that crucial time, and a new perspective, to connect you with your identity and hobbies beyond being a caretaker.
Not to blow our own trumpet but speaking objectively, this experience works because 1) it forces you to take time on yourself 2) it helps you challenge yourself and encourages you to do things for YOU 3) it gives you the opportunity to reflect on parts of yourself that have maybe been suppressed or forgotten 4) it creates a physical reminder/proof of the YOU that you need and want to see and 5) as a Diva goes to mention in the interviews below, it reminds you of the importance of self-care and the joy that comes with taking time to feel good!
But, you don’t need to take our word for it. We talked to two Divas who have all been in within the last few months to talk about the joy that comes with fighting to find yourself - and how a Boudoir experience helped them do that. We hope you enjoy, and more than that, if you are struggling we hope it empowers you to talk openly about this and to, fingers crossed, re-connect with some of those old hobbies or, even just gift yourself five more minutes getting ready! You don’t need to beat yourself up if you can’t make that immediately happen, it’s not a race. But do remember that the changes you want to see can come from you. Not to be cheesy, but don’t diminish your own power to create the life you want for yourself. You’re important too, so don’t forget it.
What’s your name and age?
My name is Frances and I am 70 next month.
When did you come for your Boudoir experience?
I came into Divine Divas in October.
How did your Divas Experience help you connect with YOU?
Oh my god, it so helped me connect to myself. I’d not had a relationship for a very long time and recently I have began talking to a very much younger and handsome guy. He began waking me up to the fact that I am not just a Mum, but I was a caring woman who had love to give and had needs herself. The photoshoot - wow. It reminded me that I am a sexy lady. I can be a Diva. It woke a part of me that I had forgotten I had.
How did it feel to see your photos for the first time?
When I saw my photos I was so happy. Nobody had seen me like that for years and years and to see myself on the screen like that just made me feel like a star.
What would you say to anyone else considering a Divas experience?
DO IT. The whole experience is great. It reminds everyone how to see yourself. For me it helped me see myself through my man’s eyes and helped me see all the reasons he fell in love with me. After all, why not do it? Be a Divine Diva. Be a star. Don’t worry about how much it is. It’s an experience you’ll never forget. I can’t wait for my album - and I think I’ll be going again!
What’s your name and age?
Hi! My name is Sara, I’m 51 years old and I’m a single mum.
When did you come for your Boudoir experience?
I came for my Boudoir experience in October. I’d been debating it for quite some time and finally plucked up the courage to do it!
How did your Divas Experience help you connect with YOU?
In the last two years, I’ve lost my Mum who spent the last two years of her life defying Doctors and refusing to give up. Covid finally took her and a week after we lost Mum, I tested positive myself and ended up in hospital for eight days suffering. I then suffered with long covid, hair los, anxiety, diabetes and extreme tiredness - to name but a few! On top of this, I have many other health conditions which affect my mobility and I am also overweight so the thought of a photoshoot horrified me. But fast forward to when I came across Divine Divas and I thought, ‘f*ck it, I am going to do this for me.’
I got the train from Bristol to Bath all by myself which to some is nothing, but to me this was a massive achievement in itself!
As soon as I entered I was made to feel so welcome and everyone is so unbelievably friendly. I felt comfortable in every single moment. By the end, I was pushing myself more and more out of my comfort zone and I was living that moment. I literally felt like I was living my best life.
I felt empowered, exhilarated and, most of all, I re-discovered ME.
I am more than just a Mum, or someone people ring in a crisis, or head chef and bottle-washer
I am Sara. And I am important.
Honestly, this experience gave me a new-found confidence, and I still feel it now.
How did it feel to see your photos for the first time?
When I first saw my photos, well…wow. I was overwhelmed and beyond proud of myself. So what if I am 51 and overweight? It’s me and I am who I am.
When I showed my partner he was shocked but in such a good way. He was so impressed that I kept it a secret! He instantly put them up in his living room as, in his words, “I don’t see them as rude or crude, they’re art and I want to show them off!”
What would you say to anyone else considering a Divas experience?
What a day, what an experience. It is worth every single penny. Would I recommend it? Hell yes. Would I come again? Hell yes. Would I encourage anyone of any size, gender, anything? Abso-bloody-lutely I would.
From the bottom of my heart, Divine Divas, I thank you. Since visiting I’ve discovered I have a melanoma and I am so glad I have a positive experience to look back on and smile. As Arne says, I WILL BE BACK.
